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Page 108.01
The Frozen Toe Guide to Real Alaskan Livin'
Learn How to Survive Moose Attacks, Endless Winters, and Life Without Indoor Plumbing
by Brookelyn Bellinger
Mar 2007
Trade Paper
$16.95 US
($22.00 CAN)
978-1-57061-484-2 | 9781570614842
1-57061-484-9 | 1570614849
224 pp
68 per carton
Humor
HUMOR
Topic/Adult
Spring 2007
Imprint Rights: USC
Title Rights: W
Product Safety: Mfgr warrants no warnings apply
Published by
Sasquatch Books
Description:
This pithy guide offers advice on everything necessary to be a true Alaskan, or to at least look the part. Designed in a friendly handbook format, the book blends important facts with anecdotes about the author’s own experiences surviving in Alaska's frozen expanses. Writing in a down-to-earth, droll style, author Brookelyn Bellinger covers such topics as winter survival skills, regional fashion, extreme sports, and dating tips, and answers those pressing questions like how to start that long-delayed career in dog mushing.
Excerpt:
Anecdotal excerpt from Chapter 1:
Hello Alaska, How Do Ya Like My Hair?
I just knew I’d end up in Alaska some day. This rang true especially after visiting the state when I was 18. I came up with some family friends to visit their son who was stationed in Homer with the Coast Guard. I fell in love with the place. I knew I would. Growing up in Michigan, I had always been an outdoor girl. Hanging out in the woods and hunting and fishing seemed to suit me better than shopping and putting on makeup. This didn’t win me a lot of points at school. It wasn’t that my hobbies weren’t appreciated; after all my school did get opening day of deer season off. It was that I was ugly. OK, maybe ugly is kind of harsh. Let’s just say I wasn’t a “looker”. I was a tomboy. I’ll never forget a comment made to me in high school one day in gym class. This was the 80’s—a time when “big hair” and feathered bangs were in. Now, imagine a short version of the bob, cut just above the ears, and that’s what I had. I looked, well, kind of like a penis head. That day in class a boy says to me, “You look like a penis head.” I had to admit, it wasn’t the look I was going for. Another time I was in the lunch room, minding my own business when an upper classmen sitting nearby asked if I was a foreign exchange student. Huh? A foreign exchange student? I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. I turned to my friend with an accent and said, “Did you hear that?” “No,” she said, “but the cheese on your chin is a nice touch.”
Adversity can only make a person stronger. Even with my penis-head haircut, I managed to land a boyfriend. He lived on a farm and we made deer blinds, shot guns, trapped muskrats, and shoveled cow manure together. It was a glorious time. But eventually we drifted apart. I grew out my hair in a Farah Fawcett hair-worship sort of way and made my way West, working as a waitress in Yellowstone, a lift operator in Vail, a wildland firefighter in Montana. Still, I yearned for Alaska—a place where all kind of odd-balls fit in. A place where hunters, greenies, hippies, and conservatives alike all lived for the same reasons; that spirited Alaskan independence, wide-open spaces, the oil check, and a plethora of espresso stands. So with $200 bucks to spare, I grabbed my backpack and bought a ticket to the Last Frontier. My cop dad was livid. I had no business jumping on a plane to Alaska without a job and a place to live. He was right. Within 8 hours I was flying over the Canadian Rockies—a big smile on my face, my compass pointed north. I arrived in Anchorage after a long flight and slept in the airport till dawn, which awoke me around 3 A.M. I decided I’d go back to Homer since I’d been there before and caught a 4-hour shuttle bus to get there. It was raining when I arrived and almost dark. When I asked about camping, the shuttle bus driver mentioned something about a bed & breakfast that had a bunkroom, and for $15 bucks I could sleep there for the night. Breakfast was included. Sounded like cheap heaven.
Within a week and a half I had two jobs and was collecting my first paycheck—just in time. I worked out a deal with the owner of the B&B where I would help out with the cooking and cleaning and in exchange, she would let me live on the property in my tent. I also got a job at a fishing/tackle shop on the Spit selling all but rockets and mortars for killing fish. It was 5 miles from the B&B, but I found a bike and got lots of exercise.
Life was good—nothing too exciting to write home about. I’d work, mingle with guests at the B&B, and occasionally bum a ride to a nearby river for some salmon fishing. Once in a while I’d lie on my back with my head sticking out of the tent door and just stare at the sky. One night, as I drifted with my thoughts, the ground began to shake and in a sudden rush of commotion, a large moose ran by and nearly stepped on my face! I sat up quick—my scalp burning. When I caught my breath, I looked around and found a huge wad of hair lying on the grass in front of my tent. The moose had stepped on my long hair and pulled out several large chunks. Imagine a haircut David Letterman might give after three drinks and there’s your visual. I had no choice but to revert to short hair. But not to worry—men in Alaska aren’t that picky. All I had to say was, “Do you know any good fishing spots?” and I had myself a boyfriend—and a man with a shotgun for future “defense of life” situations.
Besides the B&B guest that got drunk and sang John Denver tunes all night and the unfortunate moose “event”, my summer was absolutely perfect. You too, can find this kind of satisfaction up here in Alaska. There are untold adventures waiting—and we’ll welcome you no matter what your haircut.
Sidebars from Chapter 3:
Becoming the Alaskan Woman
Being a woman in Alaska isn’t easy. It’s cold, the produce is bad, and a lot of times your best shopping bet is the hardware store. There are lots of manly men out there but they don’t seem to be much help. Most of them are a least a little preoccupied with the next hunting season or with getting a bigger TV. Then for Valentine’s Day they get you cold weather gear. Some are just plain crazy- and there are a lot of crazies. I would never advise against moving to Alaska, but I hear Iowa is nice too.
The Alaska life really isn’t that bad. Before you know it, you’ll have your very own mountain man and you’ll be able to start a fire with one match. In any case, here’s some advice that I wish someone would have given to me.
1) I know it’s Alaska, but hairy armpits aren’t cool anywhere.
2) You must learn how to navigate triple-layered children at 20 below.
3) You must learn patience when these same children ask to use the bathroom.
4) The giant cabbage contests are just for fun.
5) Being able to butcher a moose is a skill that will get you a date.
6) All the cake in the world won’t make the winters shorter.
7) You’re only fooling yourself if you buy a swimsuit in Alaska.
8) If you’re having a bad day remember- it’s colder in Antarctica.
9) You will come to realize that flannel and wool wear well.
10) You will learn to love the smell of dogs.
Becoming the Alaskan Man
It’s not easy being a man in Alaska. The women expect you to be able to keep them safe, warm and happy. And Lord knows that last one is a doozy. There’s only so much of you to go around and too little time for hunting, fishing, snow machining, and NFL football. Then there’s Valentine’s Day and it’s either make or break with those new gloves you got her. And sometimes, if it wasn’t so hard to find a good woman in Alaska, you’d just as soon go back to living alone in a small cabin with your dogs. But you’ve grown really fond of her little smelly soaps and candles she has everywhere. And she’’s pretty good at starting a fire when you go camping. Alaska women aren’t so bad, you just have to know how to play your cards. Here’s what you need to know about becoming a man in Alaska.
1) Your Carhartts won’t wash themselves.
2) Rest assured, you can get cable in Alaska.
3) Don’t kid yourself. We all know your wife is not to blame for that new truck. Or that camper. Or the four-wheeler.
4) Save that big fur hat and bunny boots for your second date.
5) Sometimes, your best bet might be to lie and tell the woman you have a place in Hawaii.
6) A new fishing boat will only impress your buddies.
7) Don’t worry- guns go on sale around dividend time.
8) Once in a while, you should make your dog team sleep on the floor.
9) Two words: LINT BRUSH.
10) If you came to Alaska expecting to find a woman who likes the cold, can filet a fish, and look good in a dress, you’re right. But that one’s already married and has a gun.
From Chapter 13:
Quiz: Are You a Real Alaskan?
To separate those that know from those that should know better…
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